Before you marry (especially if the blushing bride's name is Cassandra or Laura), do a little checking into her background. If she can't produce so much as a birth certificate, dental record or even a library card for I.D., you might want to reconsider your wedding plans.

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Judy's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Pet Peeves of Barnabas Collins

That awful portrait of me at Collinwood.
Women I don't want are always falling in love with me.
I get chained in a coffin for 170 years, I finally get out in the 20th century, and all of a sudden there's a democrat in The White House.
Having to go through that echolocation stuff when I'm a bat.
Worrying about what Julia may be doing to me during the day when I'm in the coffin.
The feeling that people are making fun of my name behind my back.
Roger's pompous, fake accent.
When I can't get someone I'm trying to hypnotize to look into my eyes, because they're too busy staring at my hairline.
Losing my fangs when I'm in the middle of biting a girl.
The agonizing fear that someday capes WILL go out of style.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About the Residents of Collinsport

Barnabas failed his driving test three times before he got his license.
Shortly after leaving Collinwood for the first time in 18 years, Liz flew to Vegas and nearly lost the house playing blackjack.
Roger once tried to bribe his way backstage to meet Grace Slick at a Jefferson Airplane concert.
Tom Jennings always had a deep seated feeling that he ought to be a werewolf and he didn't understand why he wasn't.
Barnabas had a TV hidden in the basement of the Old House.
Willie once flunked out of cosmetology school.
Once, the thought of getting a job crossed Carolyn's mind.
When Julia signed prescriptions she dotted the "i" in her name with a smily face.
Professor Stokes? Gay as an I Ching wand.
That night in Martinique was not Angelique's first time.

Top Ten Reason the 1897 Storyline Wasn't Really All That Great

It went on too long
It was boring in the beginning
Too many Trasks
Jamison was obnoxious when he was possessed
Magda's accent could get on your nerves after awhile
Same deal with Charity/Pansy's accent
Tim Shaw had a really bad hairstyle
Garth Blackwood was a real disappointment
The scenes of Quentin on the table under the pendulum didn't linger on long enough
(For the men): no miniskirts; (For the women): no chest hair

Top Ten Remarks Made by People Watching Dark Shadows for the First Time

Which one's the vampire?
I thought this show was supposed to be scary.
What, didn't they have editing in those days?
Man, that's a short skirt she's wearing!
What is a "governess" anyway?
That tall guy would be really good looking if it wasn't for those ridiculous mutton chops.
Do they actually think she looks like that portrait?
I should think a person would actually be bleeding more after receiving a wound like that.
That bat is really fake looking.
Isn't there ever any sex on this show?

Top Ten Dark Shadows Unlikely Couples

Roger and Vicki
Julia and Willie
Gregory Trask and Magda
Magda and Quentin
Quentin and Aristede
Beth and Jamison
Angelique and Josette
Maggie and Ezra Braithwaite
Elizabeth and Sheriff Paterson
Count Petofi and Mrs. Johnson

Top Ten Signs That You're Obsessed With Dark Shadows

You let cobwebs accumulate in your house because you like the look.
You've developed a sort of fake English accent.
You've had 3 seances in the last 5 days.
You suddenly don't trust any of your relatives anymore.
You've started calling the doormat at your front door "the foyer."
You keep telling your significant other that you don't want them to love you unless they do it of their own free will.
In restaurants you order your steak "bloody."
Yesterday you put a curse on a driver who cut you off, but now you regret it.
You find yourself saying "I don't understand" more than usual.
You've been drinking an awful lot of sherry lately.

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