THE COMPLETE DARK SHADOWS INSTRUCTION BOOK
These are handy little guides to help those who live in that wonderful world we know as DARK SHADOWS. If ever you find yourself on a strange and frightening journey to Collinsport Maine, keep in mind these little jewels to make your stay a little more enjoyable.
Contributors: Martin Davenport, Judy Phillips, Teri Darcy, Jane Harris, Cathy Vocke, Liz McGillicuddy, Alane Megna
- If things go wrong, get sedated.
- If you come across a severed head in a box, leave it alone.
- If you come across a severed hand in a box, leave it alone.
- If you come across ANY severed body parts in a box, leave it alone.
- Old houses are lovely in candlelight.
- Listening to music, either from a music box or on a Victrola, is a
great way to pass the time.
- Be wary of "men of the cloth" who have widows peaks.
- Watch out for people who have extra bricks and mortar in their basements.
- A coffin is an excellent place to sleep during the day.
- Try hard not to look your age.
- People who say they are from England are usually full of surprises.
- Know your incestors, I mean ancestors.
- Stay up late, a lot of interesting things happen around 2:30 am.
- Werewolves tend to be short, no one knows why.
- If you want someone to feel guilty just say, "You betrayed me!"
- Don't date anyone named "Buzz".
- Keep livestock; roosters can be found on some of the finest estates.
- Double-breasted suits NEVER go out of style.
- Never use the doorbell, a knock is much more personal.
- Have a portrait painted of yourself.
- Support local artists, spiritualists, and antique dealers.
- Every now and then take a parallel lane in traffic.
- Watch out while driving by cemeteries, you never know what will
pop out of them.
- Never anger anyone named Angelique, Jeb, or Nicholas.
- Find the type of significant other you want and stick to that type.
- Love is eternal
- Obsession is not a dirty word.
- Be careful near cliffs.
- Keep secrets.
- Be curious.
- The Blue Whale is a great nightspot, in fact it's the only place to go!
- Modern conveniences are just that, convenient. They are not necessities.
- Dreams tell us what we need to know. Listen to them.
- Don't let anyone named Laura play with matches.
- Some boxes are better left unopened.
- Gypsies can be loyal servants.
- Memory loss can be a good thing.
- The practice of medicine is just that, PRACTICE.
- If you marry a woman named Laura, prepare to get burned!
- 1966 was a l-o-n-g year.
- Blood IS thicker than water.
- People tend to regret curses they put on others.
- There are secret messages in classical music.
- Eccentric is good.
- Cats are unpredictable.
- Don't go snooping in other people's basements.
- Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
- When in doubt, look wistful.
- Not every story has an ending.
- Unique hairstyles can be sexy.
- Screaming every now or then helps release pent-up emotions.
- Running home from school is good exercise.
- Some of the nicest people are cursed.
- Think with your heart, not with your head.
- You can't cheat fate.
- Wear a heavy coat in all kinds of weather.
- Carry a cane even if you don't need one.
- Buy anything with Dark Shadows in the title, it is worth it.
- Go into the shipping business.
- Quit your job and write a history book.
- Teach your children at home. It improves their imaginations.
- Live in a house that is too big for you.
- Every now and then a trip to Boston is nice.
- Fall in love with the past.
- Take a walk in the woods.
- Take a walk in the cemetery.
- Don't marry your nephew's fiancée, he won't like it.
- If you are going to hit your spouse with a poker, make sure you
did the job right.
- Fall in love quickly and often.
- Every house should have a secret passageway.
- Know how to draw a pentagram.
- Trust the children.
- You meet the most interesting people when you are possessed.
- "London Bridge is Falling Down" can get annoying.
- When you hear heavy breathing coming from a closed room, don't open
- If you'd really rather not be disturbed, consider being buried without
a gravestone so no one can find you.
- If your new wife's hair seems a bit too black for her light complexion
and blue eyes, be suspicious.
- Save money by buying only one telephone, and moving it around from place
to place in your house.
- Try not to marry your grandmother.
- Keep the fires burning in your fireplaces, always.
- If you find yourself stricken with lycanthropy, put money aside each
week to buy new shirts.
- Young girls should aspire to be governess: it's a fun job.
- Drink lots of sherry.
- Wear mini skirts no matter what.
- Know ALL the secret passageways in your house.
- Don't teach your illiterate servants to read and write.
- Snow is merely a figment of people's imaginations.
- When approached by a dead person, it is polite to tell them that they
- Avoid Martinique at all costs.
- Pick one favorite song and never listen to anything else.
- Pay no attention to the hour of the day, it does not matter.
- Every house should have a drawing room.
- Practice talking loudly so you can be heard over thunderstorms.
- The uglier the personality, the better looking the man.
- When you're being controlled by someone with supernatural powers, it is
not necessary for you to understand.
- Learn how to quickly fashion a stake from a piece of wood.
- Love is better when the person you're in love with doesn't want you.
- Refer to even your most distant relatives as "cousins."
- All werewolves look alike.
- Women doctors are better -- they stay alive longer.
- If you are telling the truth, nobody will believe you, at least not for
- "London Bridge" is even more annoying when accompanied
by ball tossing.
- A handy talent is knowing how to hold a séance.
- A handy talent is knowing how to hypnotize someone.
- You'll always know when you're about to start dreaming because your
vision will get wavy.
- Beware of anyone who wants to tell you the bad dream they had last night.
- Pointy hair attracts women.
- Mutton chops attract women.
- Music boxes are a great way to attract women.
- Mischievous boys who forget their lines attract girls, but they won't
- Miniskirts attract men.
- Having your own laboratory in your basement won't necessarily attract
- If you have your own lab in the basement, always keep it stocked with
plenty of dry ice and colored water.
- If you're about to be hung for witchcraft, switch places with someone.
- Always know how to exit a secret room before you go in.
- Keep some extra voodoo dolls around for those special emergencies.
- Pass up any opportunities to attend the Shaw/Drummond School of
- Always remember that vampirism is not a disease; vampires are
THE LIVING DEAD!
- Capes never go out of style.
- Practice fainting gracefully. It may come in handy.
- Practice fainting gracefully in a mini-skirt. It may come in handy.
- It's not neighborly to lock the front door, even at night.
- Be careful when tumbling down the stairs. You may loosen the bannister.
- Be careful when slamming doors. You may loosen the walls.
- Candles and cigarette lighters are unreliable and unpredictable
- The best hiding place in the house is behind the drapes
- Twins always have problems
- If you've got nothing to do, hang around the servants quarters
- Keep a Farmers Almanac handy in case your gypsy ever clams up on you
- When you wake up from a bad dream, scream loud, and long
- When you need help from the police, deal only with the sheriff and no
- Have a car, but don't flaunt it
- If a little girl starts seeing stars on people's faces, keep an eye on
- Fear can kill you
- Don't bother with an umbrella, you'll never get wet no matter how much
- Wine glasses of the highest quality bounce when thrown against a wall or
- Completely ignore Christmas and all other holidays
- If one (or more) of the wings of your house is deserted/locked up, there
is a reason for it
- Do not try to stake vampire at sunset
- If your loved one travels in time, follow. He/she WILL get in trouble
- ALWAYS believe the tarot cards
- Any child living at Collinwood will be possessed at least once
- Do not bother consulting the family history. The information you need
will be wrong or missing
- Do not bother altering the family history. Your descendants will find
- If you are not directly descended from Daniel Collins, do not try
to have children
- If someone you know suddenly starts wearing scarves, this is more than
a fashion statement
- You look exactly like several of your ancestors
- No matter how foolish and debauched your family is, you will never lose
the family fortune
- You will never find out what you want to know at a séance, but
you WILL find out something interesting
- If the candles blow out, curtains billow, and doors blow open, something
is going on. Trust me
- Never leave children unsupervised. Never. I said NEVER
- A governess does not necessarily constitute supervision
- Do not hire governesses for their looks. Especially if they look like
Josette. (All dark haired young women look like Josette.)
- There is always a secret panel
- Any night when there is not a thunderstorm, there will be a full moon
- Time travel keeps you young
- Don't be afraid to admit you don't understand
- If you don't like the way things are going, return to a previous century
and fix it
- Do not climb stairways that lead nowhere
- If your name is Carolyn, enter a nunnery
- Never install carpeting; it holds blood stains
- Never have the right dates put on your gravestone. It keeps everyone
- There IS something strange going on in this house
- No matter what people tell you, it is NOT your imagination
- If your mother wants to take you to a special, wonderful place, make
her show you the place on a map before you agree to go
- If Confucius couldn't master something, you might not want to be messing
with it yourself
- Be careful who you enslave; they may betray you.
- If someone offers you a drink, insist on pouring it yourself
- It's a wise man who wears a monocle
- Jewels can start all kinds of trouble
- If you possess innocent children and make them give you the burial your
family never did, consider the possibility that you may be too tall to
fit in a toy chest
- Surround yourself with the color green
- Children with stained glass windows in their bedrooms are bound to have
- If you become a vampire's slave, consider turtlenecks for your attire.
They are much more practical than scarves or shawls for hiding those
tell-tale fang marks
- Hone your skills at being able to strike a person mute on a moment's
notice. It is a handy talent -- particularly when someone is about to
reveal a terrible secret
- It's impolite to ask a vampire for a mirror
- In order to avoid any possible embarrassments when you transform from a
werewolf back to a human, purchase your pants from the same shop
David Banner buys his. They are guaranteed not to rip off, no matter
- Don't invest in expensive bed linens. For the time you'll spend actually
sleeping in the bed, they won't be worth it
- If you've always dreamed of being a governess, go to Collinwood. The
only formal training required for the position is to have waitressed
at a diner
- Have your hearing checked regularly. You'll need that sense acutely tuned
in order to successfully eavesdrop through closed drawing room doors
- Never wonder about the fact that you look exactly like long-dead
ancestors but you don't even remotely resemble anyone in your immediate
- Learn to appreciate the concept of irony
- If you hear a squeaky noise at your bedroom window, the odds are that it
is not simply a tree branch scraping against the glass
- Before you marry (especially if the blushing bride's name is Cassandra
or Laura), do a little checking into her background. If she can't produce
so much as a birth certificate, dental record or even a library card for
I.D., you might want to reconsider your wedding plans
- Hide the family treasure trove well. You never know when you'll need it
later in life -- much later in life.
Last Modified 19 Apr 1997 by wik